Tortoise V Hare

One day, the tortoise and the hare decided to have a race. 

I'm not certain whose idea it was but I know that if the hare thought it up it was a jerk thing to do and it was a terrible idea on the part of the tortoise to agree to do it. 

If it was the tortoise who popped his head off his pillow that morning and said "Hey I've got a swell idea", his animal kingdom friends ought to have examined that head rather than show up to watch what would certainly be the public humiliation of a lifetime. 

One would think that such non-violent creatures as tortoises and hares would have more benevolent friends.  Consider these two pre-race realities:

First:  Tortoises are amazingly slow runners.  Amazing slowness is considered generally bad in terms of racing, and is only useful in specific non-race sort of situations such as waiting in line at the DMV.

Second:  When running, hares are amazingly not slow.  They are rather famous for being fast, which is normally chalked-up as a benefit during contests of speed.

The money exchanging hands on the sidelines before the starting gun was fired must have heavily favored the hare.  We're talking 50 to 1 at least and that's being generous.

Starting gun!

The charge had barely finished exploding inside the bullet casing before the hare had disappeared into the distance.  The audience gazed in awe at the long plume of dust that stretched to the horizon, then turned their heads back to the starting line. 

The tortoise had nearly begun to take a step.  His old bones creaked audibly in the still air as he laboriously placed one foot in front of the other and ever-so-slowly began shambling forward.  Night fell.  Dice-games began attracting attention. 

The crowd began to stir, and murmured that the hare should have arrived back at the starting point, what with it being a closed loop course and all.  Those who had taken the safe bet and wagered on the hare began to give the hairy-eyeball to those who had bet on the tortoise.  

Another hour passed.  Someone finally became worried enough about the hare to call 911, but sadly the paramedics were also tortoises.  

Campfires were built, acoustic jam-sessions were had.  Tensions continued to mount. 

At long, long, long last, who should appear in the distance but the tortoise, plodding painfully slowly towards the finish-line!  The agonizingly slow victory became more and more likely as necks were craned in hopes of seeing a last minute hare.  This was particularly easy for the cranes. 

The tortoise was unbelievably close to the finish when the hare burst unexpectedly onto the scene!

"Noooo!" he cried, making a mad dash for the line only to cross it the barest fraction of a gnats-ass too late!  The tortoise had won, the tortoise had won!  This was the biggest upset the animal kingdom had ever seen!

But the excitement wasn't a happy one.  The crowd encircled the hare as the few who had bet on the tortoise disappeared hastily into the night with their giant stacks of cash. 

The tortoise, who had failed to place a bet on time, was forgotten.  The hare was never seen or heard from again. 

The next afternoon, the paramedics arrived.

TSN