How To Cook Like A Pro

Lesson Alpha

     Since the Internet provides quick and easy access to thousands of recipes, it has all but eliminated the  need for anyone to own a cookbook.  Just find a foodstuff, type the name of whatever you see there into your browser followed by the word "recipe" and presto!  Instant gourmet. 

In my searching I've found some recipe commonalities which I've boiled down (that's a little cooking pun there) to seven easy steps which, once mastered, can be used as a guide for cooking just about anything. 

Step 1:  Hunt/gather ingredients.  These days it's not always necessary to go outside while hunting/gathering your food.  More often than not there is a store of food somewhere in the house.  **Note:  Hunting/gathering may become necessary following the zombie apocalypse.**

Step 2: Put the ingredients in a pan.  It's useful to have a container of some sort on hand.  If one isn't handy, your local blacksmith will likely be able to help.  The next step will involve high temperatures, so it is inadvisable to try to hold the ingredients in your hands while they're cooking.   

Step 3: Add heat.  This step seems self-explanatory, but as anyone stuck in a snowbank or living in a cave in 10,000 BC will tell you, it's not always easy to make fire.  Most recipes you find online will name the heating device as a "stove", "grill" or "oven".  There are other options.  

Step 4:  Stir.  Some amount of stirring is nearly always necessary, with a few exceptions including the night before Christmas.  This step provides a great opportunity to multitask, since anyone wielding a large wooden spoon or 2-story ladle can easily stir while threatening disobedient children with bodily harm.  

 Step 5: Season to taste. This is where the chef can personalize the dish to his or her exact specifications, adding in many cases a so called "secret ingredient" or, in cases when the ingredient moonlights as a Female British Pop Singer, "Proprietary Spice".

Step 6: Wait for it to cook.  Often it is tempting to eat the dish immediately, but as science and the FDA have shown, it is inadvisable to eat anything that hasn't been tampered with genetically, chemically, and with excessive heat to kill all the genetically altered chemicals.  This step is where the real magic happens.  Be patient; it'll be done when it's done. 

Step 7:  Serve!  Finally!  Display your culinary creation for all to behold, believe and bejealous.  The genius of your craftsmanship will be readily apparent with both the aesthetic appeal of the dish and the forthcoming taste-bud party the likes of which your patrons/guests have never experienced.

Alternate Step 7:  Order a pizza. You know how to do this already, I'll wager. 

Then eat.  That's all there is to it!  You are now a professional chef.