Thou Shalt Surely Woe
May your credit card numbers fall into the hands of telemarketers
May you be plagued by persistent itchy butt-hole
May your knuckle hairs never stop growing
May your Facebook friends forever post terrible pictures of you
May you never be certain about whether or not it's a fart that you're holding in
May you be kept down by "The Man"
May you be laid over for long periods of time at Newark's Liberty International airport
May your coffee be bitter and cold
May your undies be confiscated by Safety Kleen
May rude teenagers sit behind you at the movies
May a red shirt sneak into every load of whites that you do
May your Twitter feed be followed only by death row inmates
May you find half a cockroach at the bottom of your french fries
May you always feel as if you have to pee
May your best dreams be invaded by Judge Judy
May an Instagram photo of your toe fungus go viral
May you inadvertently piss off the Hell's Angels
May a mangy cat mark its territory on your toothbrush
May your toe poke through a hole in your sock all day
May your neighbors septic tank back up into your hot tub
May a stray Rottweiler fall in love with your leg
May pigeons target you specifically
May you be viciously audited by the IRS
May you stub the same toe repeatedly
May your uni-brow be thick and bushy
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