This was something my friend and cohort Dan and I came up with in answer to an office email regarding a severe weather analysis. I keep reading it and giggling like an idiot, so I figured I'd share.
Introducing:
Kansas 2014 Severe Weather Impact Analysis
Shark sightings are up from the normal seasonal high of 0.0
when Bertha C. Bottom spotted three of them with her one good eye.
Robin R. Railhead from Stockton, Osborne, and Beloit caught
a hailstone in his under bite the size of a small Volkswagen and was unable to
eat squash through a picket fence for two full semesters.
The shortest baseball inning in history was played in
Kingsley Kansas on 14th of August, when Jerry Wasnooski hit a
grounder and was thrown out at first three times by baseball sized hail before
he could get there.
Additionally, one report in Ulysses of “Basketball-sized
hail” turned out to be a false identification of an actual basketball.
Regina Toadstool from Garden City was out catching
snowflakes on her tongue and run into Jethro Bodine’s Flagpole. She got good and stuck, they was able to get
her loose but a local man’s dog thought she was a fire-hydrant in the meantime
and her feet were frozen to the ground until late February.
Elwood Cottonmouth of Bellville was scraping a skunk carcass
from the road with a snow-shovel and got run the heck over by a speeding cumulonimbus. He is recovering well at a CVS minute-clinic
in Southern Kentucky, where it finally stopped.
Jimmy R Flatbasket in Marion Kansas was out mowing his front yard. Straight line winds made an Easterly turn on 3rd St. and blew one of them fancy wind barbs right into his thigh. He’s been limping ever since.
The winter consumer response to local targeted advertising
in Lyons Kansas proved to be a disappointment to the Buford family, who own and
operate the largest outfitter of downhill skis in the 67554 zip code.
Ernie “Twinkle-toes” Thunkerson, an enthusiast at a Wyatt
Earp look-alike convention, fired his six-shooter in Dodge City and wound up
hitting his partner in Abilene.
Eye-witnesses on the scene reported that the wind had been so fierce it
had blown three local women’s mustaches clean off, and to the north east they
had to change the name of “Great Bend”
to “Great Straightaway”.
Meanwhile Aunt Betty
in Parker Kansas had a little trouble with high winds herself, when
neighbors three streets down kept complaining about her cabbage eating and
eventually contacted local authorities.
There was a small area of isolated rotation when several
occupants of Lola failed to properly negotiate a recently installed traffic
circle and damn near starved to death before being rescued by EMS.
The Kansas Jayhawk was thrown into the pokey in Oakley on
the 23rd of October. He was
traveling from Manhattan to Goodland when he got hit by an updraft that ripped
off all his feathers. 86 year old Thelma
Lou of Hayes fainted when she saw it.
During an interview the Jayhawk indicated that his stay at the “Oakley
Pokey” had got him all turned about.
During a dedication of a memorial for town founder Marty
McFly, lightning struck the clock tower and sent local man of the same name
back in time, where he founded the town.
Area flatlanders historically claimed that McFly had been out of his
gourd on sunflower-seed hallucinations, as Hill City’s highest elevation is
2’6” above sewer-line level.
An investigation of record breaking rainfall was initiated
in Overland Park on April 10th, when Cletus Crabknuckle measured 14”
of rain from a single downburst. It was
proven to be a false measurement when it turned out he’d measured the water in
Maude Clod’s porch bathtub, with her in it. There was only a quarter of an inch of water
in there once she got out.
On February 28th was recorded the longest full
moon in the history of Atchison, when Jerry B. Dumpling drank four bottles of
potato vodka and got his cheeks stuck in a round window on the seventh floor of
the Hyatt hotel and suites. Once
firefighters stopped laughing, it took four hours and a plumber’s helper to get
him loose.
