Everybody's an Expert

 

No matter what time of day it is, there's probably a show on that takes place in a hospital.  Nobody wants to have to go to one, but I guess everybody wants to watch what goes on in one.

There are always too many people walking around with clip boards using all sorts of medical jargon that I don't understand, but that I can almost understand just enough for me to start to think I'm qualified to be a Dr.  I'm not, but for brief moments during a hospital show I almost think I am.

TV doctors do unkind things to my beloved (and already highly bastardized) American-English language.

Everyone knows what "impacted-cranial-rectitis" means (see above), but there are so many more!

For one thing, they put the word "Cardio" in front of any old gibberish.  They can't fool me, I know that "cardio" is another word for sweating:  "I need to do some cardio." means the same as "I need to do some sweating."  

"Bed six is suffering from Cardio-taquito-gravity-impact-displasia" means that there's an overweight Asian patient in bed six who dribbled Mexican cheese onto a treadmill mat and then slipped and got blasted like a tennis ball out of a launcher into the back wall, where some subsequent wall-slamming sort of injuries occurred. 

"Respiratory" this or that is another favorite.  Something about pirates.  It has "re", which means something is happening again.   

"Bed six underwent a respiratory-radiological-neuropathy" means the patient heard something frighteningly illogical about pirates on the radio and has run off into the woods again. 

Doctors need everything "stat!"  I tried to order some things "stat" from the guy in the taco cart.  He got mad.  I had to go to the other taco cart that day. 

They talk about "stool samples" like it was easy to get one.  I got kicked out of three bars trying to whittle off a piece of a stool for my Dr... Finally I had to tell him I couldn't produce a sample, so he gave me some funny tasting chocolate and later I was scraping porcelain out from under my fingernails.   

I don't know what a "Uvula" is, but I assume it's some sort of a mythical cross between a violin and a unicorn.

Once I wore a bedpan on my head during a rainstorm.  Then it started to hail, and I became deaf.  At first I thought it was on account of the noise, but it turned out I just had poop in my ears.  I couldn't hear shit.  Or I could... I don't know.