Part 1 of Many
Ted
wasn't in a hurry. The sidewalk on which he strolled was in rough shape,
but he walked it often and easily negotiated the cracks and uneven spots with
the nonchalance of familiarity. He would have whistled a merry tune, but
he had never been able to whistle right since that morning in Alberta when he'd
woken up with his bottom lip frozen to a door jam. That had been an eventful
night. He grinned as he reminisced, whisked back to that dimly lit room
in the back of the gas station where he and Kadija, the lovely Pakistani woman
behind the register, had engaged passionately in several long and sweaty rounds
of Magic the Gathering. Her goblin deck was the stuff of legends.
His
reverie was cut short when out of the corner of his eye Ted spotted something
move. On the other side of the road, on top of a fence post, sat a
squirrel of epic proportions. The squirrel did not appear to be alarmed
that Ted had noticed it; in fact if anything it almost looked as if it was
about to start flirting with him. It made sense; one of the warnings on
the back of his deodorant specified that unnatural attraction by various
rodents was a potential side effect. This particular rodent however made
Ted a little nervous, because he realized that should it decide to court him
there might not be much he could do about it.
Part Two of Many
Just
as he was thinking what he could do the squirrel morphed into the sexiest woman
he had ever seen and she was totally in the buff, nude, naked! Her cheeks
looked like strawberries and cream as she was now blushing and trying with
little success to cover her lady bits. Ted thought he finally caught a
break, yeah maybe she was a were-squirrel, much like a were-wolf but she was
fabulous when in human form. No big deal that she was a shape shifter.
Just think of the fun!
Ted
being a gentleman at heart though his pulse was racing and things needed to be
adjusted on a man to seem appropriate, he took off his jacket and turned his
head while she put it on. It might not be much but when you're sitting on
fence post naked...
So
Ted asked the lovely looking lady what her name was and introduced himself.
She said "My name is Acacia, yes?" as if it were a question
what her name was, her voice had an upward lilt.. "I like you. You
are a funny man. I think I want to go home with you now!" Ted
fell in love with her right then her Lithuanian accent included. It felt
awfully quick to Ted, but who was he to argue with a beautiful woman,
were-squirrel or not.
Hopefully
she liked Magic the Gathering but that he could find out later. This
seemed as if it were turning out to be an adventure he would not soon forget.
2 < Part < 4 of Many
"Can
you give me a hand down from this fence?" She asked, as he basked in her
comforting Lithuanian drawl. Her manner of speech made her sound curious
about everything.
Ted
smacked himself loudly in the forehead with the giant rubber hand on a stick
that he kept in his back pocket.
"Of
course", he said as he reached out to her.
"Can
I use your real hand?"
"Oh,
right" he said, and put the big rubber hand away so that he could help her
down properly. He couldn't help but continue to notice that she was
wearing approximately 100% fewer pairs of pants than was generally the custom.
He
took off his shirt and gave that to her too, so she could put it on like pants
with her legs through the sleeves and whatnot. She had to hold the sides
all the time so it wouldn't fall down, and she looked like she was wearing
specialized maternity clothes designed for when you're expecting to give birth
to a paint can at any moment, but at least her shapely butt wasn't out in the
wind anymore. She gawked at shirtless Ted. He was a hairy dude.
It looked like he was wearing a backpack/sweater-vest combination made
out of an Ewok. To anyone else it might have been disconcerting, but
Acacia was sporting more than a little tree-dwelling mammal instinct and flared
her nostrils tremendously at the site of it.
Ted,
although his brain had reverted to its "recently met a hot were-squirrel"
mode of pre-programmed social interaction, failed to recognize her reaction as
what it was. He instead assumed that her nostrils had spontaneously
tripled in size due to the fact that she'd been bitten by a turtle. He
cast around in a panic for the offending amphibian until he finally realized
that when it came to Acacia he would have to disregard ordinary body
language-reading skills. This impending courtship (which would
undoubtedly result very soon in an occasionally inappropriate inter-species
romance) would be a challenge indeed.
Ted
loved a challenge. He had once practiced for two weeks just to win fifty
bucks stacking the most dimes on the nose of a drunken clown. Keeping the
practice clown drunk for so long had cost well over fifty bucks, and Ted
remembered just then to write down the fact that clowns have a suspiciously
high tolerance for bottom-shelf rum.
Part Five?
Back
to flaring nostrils, Ted realizing that body language differences being what
they are between he and Acacia he would have to be absolutely direct with her
verbally. He asked, “ Why are you flaring your nostrils so, when you
haven’t even been bitten by a turtle?” he held his note pad and pen, as he
didn't want to forget about the clown and rum or the answer to his question.
“Well
you are a manly man and I like you I like the way you smell.” Acacia said
in a low husky voice. Ted was taking notes.
“Hmmmm
do you have anywhere to go? Do you need a ride?” asked Ted, always
the gentleman, at least he is consistent.
“I
have only to go where ever you are and I am home. You are my soul mate I
can feel it in my bones I can see it in the stars.” Acacia absently waved her
hand at the stars above giving a good impersonation of some kind of
prognosticator.
Ted
took the rubber hand on a stick out of his back pocket whenever he was nervous
or had a lack of words so he hit himself in the head again many times.
“Please,
you are to making me want you more when you hit yourself.” Ted was flying
aces now there wasn't anything he could do wrong.
“Well
if you feel comfortable enough to come home with me and live with me, that
would be all right!” Ted managed to say bashfully. He didn't seem to
realize that were-squirrels were notoriously known to have many babies at once
and he wasn't thinking about safe sex. . No, he was thinking he wished he had
some yodels those Swiss roll type of chocolaty delights with creamy vanilla
cream in the center.
He
walked quickly home to get his manly sized tricycle and came back to get Acacia.
It took awhile but it was turning into a nice night. She was still
waiting for him and straddled the front part of the seat as he sat further back
to accommodate her. He let her ring his bell and off they went back to
his apartment. She gleefully giggled all the way there. She
especially liked his handlebar sparkly fringe.
She
rang his bell one more time and hopped off. Ted parked the tricycle and
escorted Acacia to the door. He fumbled for his keys and hit himself with
his rubber hand…Acacia asked him politely if she could borrow his rubber hand
on the stick and she used it on herself. How romantic. She then
proceeded to enter the apartment as Ted finally found his keys in the front
basket of his tricycle.
Both
in the apartment Ted and Acacia stared at each other until Ted asked Acacia if
she wanted some Rice Krispy treats and a cup of warm water. She responded
in the affirmative.
So
Ted went into his bedroom closet retrieving a couple of Rice Krispy treats from
his gym bag. There was a slight odor of feet to them but they were still
sealed. He then went to the kitchen to get a couple of cups of warm
water. He placed a treat on top of each cup and carried everything into
the living room. Acacia had made herself at home having found sweats on
the floor and some socks. She was sitting casually on the ironing board
looking for all the world like a Goddess.
“I
wish to run my fingers through your beautiful fur, I promise to be
gentle.”
Ted
had nothing to say so he handed her her Rice Krispy treat and cup of warm
water, then dropped himself down into a beanbag chair splashing a little water
on himself. He was a little embarrassed and smiled a shy smile.
Acacia smiled back. Ted was thinking to himself he wished he had a frog
and a galactic screwdriver. Which didn't even make sense to him though it
was his thought. Acacia was thinking this could be her new life. Ted was
a good man though weird but he seemed to care for her very much and he knew she
was a were-squirrel.
Then
she thought that she wished she had a newt and a fire extinguisher, she didn't
know why that thought ran through her mind but these things happen. They
chatted amicably until it was nearly dawn. She turned back into a
were-squirrel and...
Part π
...launched
gracefully from the ironing board into the air towards him at full speed, four
furry legs splayed out like a baby moose on a frozen lake.
"What
in the name of Apollo's sweaty grundle!" exclaimed Ted, instinctively
assuming his Tae-Kwon-D'armadillo self-defense posture. Then he noticed
that Acacia wasn't just a were-squirrel; she was a were-flying-squirrel.
She soared across the living room towards him in a smooth arc, slamming
into him almost entirely non-violently, and sending a puff of Styrofoam beans
through the little three-cornered tear in the Naugahyde. At the moment of
impact, she reverted back to human form, and Ted couldn't help but notice that
she was wearing clothes. It begged the question.
"Wait
a minute" said Ted. "Where'd your clothes go when you were a
squirrel?"
"I
dunno" she said innocently, and her face betrayed the fact that not only
did she really have no friggin idea, she'd never even thought about it.
"...but it always feels like I have a wedgie".
"So
how come you were naked the first time you changed back on the
fence-post?"
"Oh"
she said, "that's because I was wearing edible clothes".
"That
doesn't really explain it"
"I
got hungry, silly nuts!"
That
was plenty of explanation for Ted, but he had another question itching away
irresistibly like poison ivy of the armpit.
"How
much of a payload can you carry?" Acacia new exactly what he was
insinuating.
"Follow
me" she said, and scampered out the window onto the fire escape. Ted
followed without hesitation.
Once
on the roof, Acacia motioned for him to climb on her back. He hopped up
and hung on. He was pretty heavy, but Acacia took off at full hobble
towards the edge of the roof nonetheless. Upon reaching the precipice,
she leaped into the second-floor atmosphere with the confidence of a puppy in a
room full of stuffed animals, changing seamlessly and effortlessly into the
magnificent giant aeronautical rodent that she was. Somehow Ted, clinging
to her back like a baby koala, wasn't even scared.
Outward
they soared, floating towards the ground at the unrelenting behest of gravity.
Acacia touched down on her suddenly-human tip-toes and came to a graceful
stop. Ted let go too early, careened overhead, and crashed face-first
into a park bench. Impossibly he recovered without a scratch, except for
several huge scratches.
"Awesome!"
said Ted, bleeding profusely from the face and grinning like a
wardrobe-malfunction designer at a Swedish jumping-jacks competition.
"Let
me fix that for you" said Acacia. "I just need a frog."
Ted had one in his left breast pocket, and he produced it. Acacia
produced a strange tool from.... somewhere...
"What's
that?" asked Ted.
"A
galactic screwdriver of course" said Acacia, administering it to the
confused frog and subsequently to Teds equally confused face.
"I
knew it!" he said.
Just
then,
Part Ə
a
walrus crossed the street and righted the bench that Ted had been entangled
with. Then the old thing took a seat. “Ah!” he rumbled “A
flying were-squirrel and a human covered in Ewoks.” The galactic
screwdriver Acacia slipped into Ted’s back pocket along with the rubber hand on
a stick. The frog she gently placed on the ground and encouraged it to
hop away. “And a good day to you!” said Ted in what he thought was a
friendly way though it could have sounded condescending. The walrus
didn't take offense so friendly it must have been. Yay Ted, his social
skills are improving after all. It must be due to Acacia, it seemed to
Ted she could do just about anything.
While
the walrus didn't add anything more to conversation Ted climbed on Acacia’s
back as she turned and off they glided once more with a mighty jump. They
landed back on Ted’s home and Ted said, “Way to go Rocky!” Acacia wasn't
taking his new nickname very well. So Ted never called her Rocky again.
They went back downstairs and decided to play twister, which always leads
to some interesting times. For some reason Ted’s cousin Edna
(clearly her mother had no imagination for names) who was an Ewok came
downstairs to see what the ruckus was about. Ted was a little embarrassed
but introduced the two all the same.
Then
there was a knock on the door…as Ted opened the door it was the walrus “I say I
am rather lonely might I come in merely for a cup of tea?" Ted
looked at Edna his cousin the Ewok and at Acacia, they all seemed to be in
agreement so they invited him in. He introduced himself as Xander
Ambleton and everyone else introduced themselves. He saw the twister game
out and all four decided to play, which isn't easy with an Ewok being ever so
short, and a massive walrus named Xander. Play they did for hours, they
laughed and giggled and laughed some more.
By
the end of the evening Xander and Edna were a couple; only surprising as Xander
was Jewish and Edna is a devout Catholic. These mixed relationships are
often headed for heart ache but they seemed only to have eyes for one another
and closed to any decent advice, eh besides they may work it all out and have
cute little walwok babies.
Xander
left early the next morning and Edna when she came down for breakfast was
walking the walk of shame, actually she was just flushed and seemed happy.
That was all right by Ted, he was happy too. He made his specialty
a scromlet made with spinach and blueberry jam with real cheddar cheese.
A scromlet is a scrambled omelet. They had biscuits besides, dog
biscuits that were vegetarian of course. Acacia was quite pleased and
asked for her galactic screwdriver, as she trusted Edna right from the start.
Acacia asked Edna if she wanted to go looking for frogs, which she did,
leaving Ted to do the dishes. ‘Life sure had taken a turn for the best’ Ted was
thinking to himself.
Xander
came back over for lunch and Ted took him aside and let him know that under no
uncertain terms was he to ever hurt Edna. Xander took it in stride; he
would have done the same for one of his relatives. Edna’s bum hurt
because she sat on the very edge of her seat rather nervous and excited.
This was her first boyfriend since Carl died; someone thought he was a rat
when he was a were-beaver. Very sad story.
They
were all eating clementines while peeling them the fragrant spray of citrus
oils filled the air with a wonderful fragrance when something Acacia’s galactic
screwdriver couldn't even fix...
Part 1.42x10^37
...happened.
It happened fast, as if to spurn the advice from last months edition of
"Arthritic Tortoise" magazine. Gravity, at last having grown
sufficiently irritated at man and squirrel-kind's failure to recognize its
sentience, finally decided to stop being free, and held the world hostage.
"That'll
be twelve bucks!" demanded gravity, in a voice powerful enough to awaken
sleeping prehistoric monsters from the depths of the ocean.
The
voice unnecessarily infiltrated every electronic medium that had speakers.
It spoke in every language simultaneously. People heard it.
Animals heard it. Bugs and fish heard it. It took a bit
longer for some than for others to grasp the message. One guy named Wally
who was on the phone with a high-end escort service thought for a second that
he was getting a hell of a deal, but his dreams were quickly shattered. A
couple seeing themselves on a kiss-cam for the first time in their lives
thought they had done it wrong and were being fined. A little old man in
a convenience store in Brazil thought he was being overcharged for a newspaper,
and shook his cane wildly at the clerk for a minute before he came to his
senses and just stole it instead.
Aside
from those few, every living thing heard it and grew suddenly terrified of the
implications of those words. Helium manufacturers threw their hands up in
frustration. People who owned stock in Wonder-Bra stormed Wall St. in an
effort to offload their shares. Weight-lifting trainers immediately
ordered pizzas and verified their Netflix accounts.
Across
the world, networks hummed with activity as governments scrambled to assign
blame. Troops were mobilized for no apparent reason. A lot of
questions remained unasked, and unanswered. Whose responsibility was it
to pay? Would there be a new tax in order to cover that expense?
Would that mean fewer schools would receive funding? What
currencies did gravity accept? Who would collect? What was the
deadline? How could corporate lobbyists use this to their advantage in
the coming election?
In
the doorway to Ted's apartment, Acacia stood wide-eyed and bushy-tailed holding
a sack full of frogs.
"What's
the matter there biscuit buns?" asked Ted.
"You
don't understand" said Acacia, "without gravity, every squirrel
is a flying squirrel!"
"Don't
you think you should capitalize "Gravity" now that it's a proper
noun?"
"You're
right!" she said. "We must get to the library as soon as
possible and make the necessary corrections! I'll get a Sharpie!"
She took off at full sprint for the kitchen junk-drawer, but got distracted by
a cashew and never made it.
Ted
couldn't hear her anyway, as the slapping noises from the big rubber hand on a
stick had grown to an impressive cacophony. Xander and Edna cuddled in the
bean-bag chair, enjoying the ignorant bliss of their new relationship and
oblivious to all else. A fly dove headfirst into an open root-beer.
It was at that moment that Ted realized it was up to him and his unlikely
team of explorers to single-handedly save the universe.
About seven hundred thousand other unlikely troupes, including a
family of bears, a team of reindeer from the coniferous forests of Northern
Canada, a bucket full of banana slugs from California, and a contingent of
Merfolk from wherever the crap Merfolk are from, came to the same conclusion
and set about single-handedly making their contributions to the situation, but
none of those stories intersect with this one and as such won't be mentioned
again.
Part ₤
In the end Ted’s cousin paid Gravity the twelve dollars and
Gravity was cool with that. Ted’s cousin Ralph really knows how to keep his
head in these perilous situations. With Gravity happy with his twelve bucks the
Universe simply went back to normal, well as normal as it gets in Ted’s world
anyway.
Ted fished the dead fly out of the root beer and drank it. He was
thirsty for all the running around and the thinking.
Warning; Thinking Can Cause Headaches and nausea and in rare
instances diarrhea.
Acacia was much relieved and gave Ted a big hug and there was a
squishy sound as the frogs got an unexpected hug too. Suddenly there was a
knock on the door Edna and Xander were still nodding off from their long night
of talking. So, Acacia dropping the frogs ran to the door to see who it was.
One of the Merfolk from the unmentionable dilemma was having difficulty getting
around being an ocean dwelling creature. He asked Acacia for a ride back
to the ocean or nearest lake. Either would do.
The Merfolk invited Acacia and Ted to their place anytime, like
they could breathe underwater or something, or could they? Ted and Acacia
declined the lovely offer due to the fact that they didn’t want to take any
chances of breathing under water and not being able to. Acacia was hungry so
they stopped at the mall to pick up some nuts from Joann’s Nut House and Ted
picked up a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese.
While at the Mall a hairy gold fish decided to hold up the nut
stand for all the nuts. No one could figure out why but as he carried an M-16
the cashier handed all the nuts over. Man that hairy fish had some nuts. Acacia
and Ted looked at one another dubiously. How odd. They ended up as witnesses to
the crime and the police questioned them thoroughly.
On the way home they saw a hairy gold fish dropping nuts along his
way and they called the police to report it but they said they were too busy to
bother unless they had donuts. Ted hung up his cell phone and dialed M for
Mockery Man who made a mockery of every situation which he did but let’s face
it he had plenty of material.
Finally Acacia and Ted got back home to find that Xander and Edna
went their merry way. They had the whole house to themselves. After having been
through so much together Ted decided to propose to Acacia. She was taken aback
and didn't know what to say. She just left poor Ted hanging.
Women...
Episode θ
Ted couldn't move. He was frozen, as if his psychiatric CPU had been instructed to calculate Pi. His fragile male ego had pulled back like a turtle-head, and was regrouping. Acacia didn't understand.
"Do you have to poop?" she asked. Acacia knew as well as anybody that sometimes it's better not to move if you really have to poop. Ted didn't answer, he just stared straight ahead.
"I think you broke him" said Edna. She hadn't left after all, she just blended in with the couch.
"Who?" said an owl that had landed on the windowsill. Edna threw a shoe at it, but she missed and the shoe landed in the fish-tank. The owl buggered off. Acacia leaped into action.
"Get me some chewing gum and a car battery, STAT!" she bellowed, and Edna reached for her bulging rattlesnake-hide fanny-pack which she had slung over the back of the couch. She kept everything in there; Edna was as resourceful an Ewok as they come. In no time Acacia had returned from wherever she'd gone, and was holding a set of recently-polished electric vibrating nipple clamps.
"Where'd you get those?" asked Xander, suddenly more interested than usual. He hadn't left either, he just blended in with all the walrus-related artwork and statues of walruses.
"I found them in the saddle bags of Teds mega-tricycle" she said, as she affixed one to each of Ted's nipples.
Acacia wasted no time. She was a were-flying-squirrel of action. She placed the chewing gum between Ted's teeth, spooled out a few yards of dynamite chord, and touched the leads to the battery terminals.
Ted became suddenly aware of his surroundings. Some unusual things were happening, and it took him a minute to sort them out. For one thing, he vaguely remembered something about proposing to a giant squirrel. He also noticed that he was rapidly chewing a piece of gum against his will. Even more surprisingly, his nipples were jumping around like a pair of baby goats in an inflatable castle. Also they were beginning to smoke.
Part too many
As Ted recovered from his fugue state he started to pat out the smoke coming from his nipples and removed the clips. It was clove gum he was chewing which eased his affront at having it against his will. Edna asked Acacia what was going on. Acacia answered with Ted proposing to her.
Ted was still recovering and realized Acacia hadn't said one way or another. His spirits were sinking. Edna decided to take some time in her room and study for her real estate agent exam. Ted turned to Acacia and asked her again to marry him. She stared off into space not moving and then suddenly she turned her head and said “Why of course.” Ted went into his fugue state again. Acacia’s heart sank, thinking he had changed his mind after thinking about it too long.
Ted decided it would be best to give Acacia a good slap with his rubber hand and bring her back. She shook her head and prayed that Ted still had the offer open. He plunged in and said, “Damn girl you‘re the only one I want in this whole wacky universe. Acacia danced delightedly around the room and then ran headlong into Ted for a giant loving hug. The two of them looked quite happy actually and it was about time. In inviting guests to their wedding they invited all the family and the hairy goldfish who’s name was Ahab. Having decided who was coming they had to pick a venue. The Merfolk invited them to have their wedding in their underwater world and as nice a thought that would be they declined.
Acacia was getting frantic, where to have the wedding? She nibbled her nails and shook her head. She ran around the apartment a few times to work out some nerves. Ted was kicking back having a beer watching a foot ball game leaving Acacia to figure this one out on her own. He asked, she plans. He shows up and so does she it’s as simple as that.
Then there were the flowers to be considered and the bridesmaids dresses which were a yellow chiffon with a bustle and huge bow in back and in front at the chest. They were horrible just as she wanted them. Acacia knew that she would be the most beautiful with such horrid bridesmaids dresses. The flowers she thought seriously about simple daisies or maybe the bird of paradise. “MMMMM maybe some Dutchman’s breeches.” Well that was still left up in the air. Edna was Acacia’s right hand girl and would be the maid of honor if she didn't marry Xander before hand. Matron of honor then.
Marigolds and ragweed is what Acacia decided on for flowers. Colorful yet understated. Her dress?! She went to every thrift shop she could find and finally found the perfect dress. It was white with tiny red lobsters all over it. Perfect! She couldn't show Ted because that would be bad luck but Edna thought it was cute.
Ted needed a Tux but didn't want to wear one so he decided it would be come as you are. He was wearing a white tank top and blue jeans with holes in the knees and sneakers that were all frayed and gray instead of the black they used to be. He was ready for the wedding. He couldn't understand all the fuss. Acacia picked the spot to get married but they all had to fly to the land down under for she chose the Sydney Opera House. The hairy gold fish packed light and had no trouble getting there. Edna and Xander however...
Part Y
...had got hold of an industrial sized bucket of military grade cheese puffs, and were both about armpit deep in it. Acacia deduced that people might not be excited about eating cheese puffs that had been lodged in the armpits of a walrus and/or an ewok, and made a mental note to remove them from the desert menu at the reception. Ted, meanwhile, was realizing that his role in the wedding might be a tad more complicated than he'd originally thought. He needed to pick a best man, for starters.
The first person that came to mind was his friend Marvin, but unfortunately he had been forced to chop Marvin's legs off with a blunt sword at the behest of that grumpy Canadian warlord when he'd been hired on there as a pit fighter. Always with the thumbs down, that warlord. Marvin had understood, and had forgiven Ted immediately in favor of their friendship withstanding the circumstances, but he'd died moments later anyway of whooping cough. Ted got pretty mad at his high school guidance councilor about that career recommendation after that whole incident.
His uncle Leroy couldn't do it either, he'd been incarcerated for counterfeiting pepperoni coupons and wouldn't be released until after the next fiscal year. Ted didn't want Leroy's son Schmecky. Schmecky was an idiot. That pretty much left him with Ralph, but Ralph was still soaking up accolades from the whole gravity debacle and Ted didn't know if he could make it.
"Guess I'd better call Ralph" he said.
"What's that?" asked Acacia, who was trying to get a last-minute tan for the wedding. She pulled her head out of the microwave so she could hear him better.
"I said I better call Ralph, to be the best man."
"The best what?"
"Man."
"But you're the best man" said Acacia. "That's why I'm marrying you."
"That's sweet" said Ted, and went to get his fishing tackle, immediately forgetting about calling Ralph.
A little while later, Ted stood and gazed down into the dark waters between the cracks in the dock. His mind kept rolling around in different directions. An old man walked by, and said something to him in German. Ted understood him perfectly, because nobody had ever told him that he didn't speak German. I can't tell you what it was he said, because I don't speak German, but it sounded like...
... someone gargling and hocking lougies. Yeah guttural really guttural. So Ted knowing what the German old man said he yelled in Yiddish something that meant he was a real dick. Suddenly it dawned on Ted that he had a best man to choose and calling Ralph was his best bet so he pulled out his cell phone and a sonic screwdriver and gave him a call. Ralph answered right away,”Yeah? What the heck is going on?” Ted posed the question and Ralph immediately accepted as he has family in Oz anyway he could make the trip a twofer.
Everybody made it to the ceremony in the end. The wedding was lovely. Acacia was a full-on knockout in her getup. Edna hired some migrant workers to sprinkle rose pedals down the aisle, and Ted even remembered to load up on Beano so he wouldn't pressure-wash the inside of his shorts with hash-browns when he saw how incredible Acacia looked. Ralph misunderstood the tradition of the best-man toast and instead served slices of toast to all the guests, but at least it was perfectly golden brown. Everybody danced.
About halfway through the reception, Xander had a weird feeling. It wasn't a gut-feeling so much as it was a weird feeling in his gut. It felt like there was a small Pakistani woman with a loaded man-portable recoilless antitank rocket launcher weapon in his bellybutton. As it happened, that was exactly the case. Out of nowhere, who should pop out of Xander's cavernous bellybutton but Kadija, the woman with whom Ted had played Magic the Gathering back in part one.
Having smuggled herself all the way to Australia in the bellybutton of a walrus, she was not in a particularly good mood.
"Holy crap is that a bazooka?" exclaimed Ted.
"No!" answered Kadija, "It's a man-portable recoilless antitank rocket launcher weapon!"
"Should we panic?" he asked.
"I would", she said, and shouldered the man-portable recoilless antitank rocket launcher weapon.
Everybody panicked. But it was no use. The hole that had been left in Kadija's heart when Ted had beaten her goblin deck on that fateful night in Alberta all those moons ago had festered into a dark and cancerous hatred for anybody who would use an all-blue deck.
"Damn your Prodigal Sorcerer!" She cried, and pulled the trigger.
The blast leveled everything. Nobody survived, even Kadija. The combination of Ewok fur and walrus blubber created a never-before imagined variety of natural napalm with incendiary properties similar to thermite-plasma. The tattered skeleton of the building shuddered and collapsed in on itself, and simmered in still-bubbling pools of molten metal for days to follow.
Newspapers sadly reported the horrific news, and every media outlet immediately commenced with fear mongering about the dangers the public now faced with this new and terrifying spike in Magic the Gathering related violence.
In the distance, a wolf howled.
The first person that came to mind was his friend Marvin, but unfortunately he had been forced to chop Marvin's legs off with a blunt sword at the behest of that grumpy Canadian warlord when he'd been hired on there as a pit fighter. Always with the thumbs down, that warlord. Marvin had understood, and had forgiven Ted immediately in favor of their friendship withstanding the circumstances, but he'd died moments later anyway of whooping cough. Ted got pretty mad at his high school guidance councilor about that career recommendation after that whole incident.
His uncle Leroy couldn't do it either, he'd been incarcerated for counterfeiting pepperoni coupons and wouldn't be released until after the next fiscal year. Ted didn't want Leroy's son Schmecky. Schmecky was an idiot. That pretty much left him with Ralph, but Ralph was still soaking up accolades from the whole gravity debacle and Ted didn't know if he could make it.
"Guess I'd better call Ralph" he said.
"What's that?" asked Acacia, who was trying to get a last-minute tan for the wedding. She pulled her head out of the microwave so she could hear him better.
"I said I better call Ralph, to be the best man."
"The best what?"
"Man."
"But you're the best man" said Acacia. "That's why I'm marrying you."
"That's sweet" said Ted, and went to get his fishing tackle, immediately forgetting about calling Ralph.
A little while later, Ted stood and gazed down into the dark waters between the cracks in the dock. His mind kept rolling around in different directions. An old man walked by, and said something to him in German. Ted understood him perfectly, because nobody had ever told him that he didn't speak German. I can't tell you what it was he said, because I don't speak German, but it sounded like...
Private Part
... someone gargling and hocking lougies. Yeah guttural really guttural. So Ted knowing what the German old man said he yelled in Yiddish something that meant he was a real dick. Suddenly it dawned on Ted that he had a best man to choose and calling Ralph was his best bet so he pulled out his cell phone and a sonic screwdriver and gave him a call. Ralph answered right away,”Yeah? What the heck is going on?” Ted posed the question and Ralph immediately accepted as he has family in Oz anyway he could make the trip a twofer.
Ted’s fishing line pulled hard and he yanked and reeled it in, it was Ahab. “Dude do you mind I don’t really like getting hooked in the lip I don’t need any more piercings” Ahab was right both side fins were filled with metal, definitely an emo kinda guy or maybe Goth. Not sure on that one but Ted unhooked Ahab. Ahab said, “No hard feelings if you throw me back.” Which Ted indeed did. Wouldn't want to have killed a guest to the wedding. It would seem like a bad omen.
Ted packed up his tackle box and sauntered on home, proud in knowing that he has a best man. Acacia was having a panic attack because the wedding was so close and she hadn't gotten her shoes yet. One must have the perfect shoes, so she ran down to the thrift shop again and found a matching pair of flip-flops with little lobsters on the top cross piece. Finally a completed outfit. She wasn't sure if she should be human or her were-squirrel self for the wedding but it was easily decided as she didn't fit in the out fit unless she were human. That settled Acacia and Ted had a few moments alone.
“So, are we ready to do this?” asked Ted as if they were going into battle.
“ I surely hope so aren't you?’ asked Acacia who was shaking with nerves.
“Of course I am.” Ted replied. Acacia was put at ease and they both sat down on the couch and heard a muffled voice coming from beneath them, it was just Edna. She blends so well with that couch, really they should put some neon on her.
“ I surely hope so aren't you?’ asked Acacia who was shaking with nerves.
“Of course I am.” Ted replied. Acacia was put at ease and they both sat down on the couch and heard a muffled voice coming from beneath them, it was just Edna. She blends so well with that couch, really they should put some neon on her.
Xander schlepped into the living room and found his one true love, Edna. “Edna you are the rising moon above a lovely lake.” Said he.
“Xander you are the earthworms beneath the soil, and I will always love you!” Edna replied. Xander didn't know too much about earth worms but he knew he would love Edna forever.
Ahab meanwhile was already in flight to the land down under. He was very excited as he never had been before. When they tried to search him he had hair brushes and cockleburs all in his hair stuck there like Velcro. What a mess. They had him step to one side as the hair brushes were a threat to national security. He might not be going to Australia after all which would be just a shame, a crying shame.
Part Omega
Everybody made it to the ceremony in the end. The wedding was lovely. Acacia was a full-on knockout in her getup. Edna hired some migrant workers to sprinkle rose pedals down the aisle, and Ted even remembered to load up on Beano so he wouldn't pressure-wash the inside of his shorts with hash-browns when he saw how incredible Acacia looked. Ralph misunderstood the tradition of the best-man toast and instead served slices of toast to all the guests, but at least it was perfectly golden brown. Everybody danced.
About halfway through the reception, Xander had a weird feeling. It wasn't a gut-feeling so much as it was a weird feeling in his gut. It felt like there was a small Pakistani woman with a loaded man-portable recoilless antitank rocket launcher weapon in his bellybutton. As it happened, that was exactly the case. Out of nowhere, who should pop out of Xander's cavernous bellybutton but Kadija, the woman with whom Ted had played Magic the Gathering back in part one.
Having smuggled herself all the way to Australia in the bellybutton of a walrus, she was not in a particularly good mood.
"Holy crap is that a bazooka?" exclaimed Ted.
"No!" answered Kadija, "It's a man-portable recoilless antitank rocket launcher weapon!"
"Should we panic?" he asked.
"I would", she said, and shouldered the man-portable recoilless antitank rocket launcher weapon.
Everybody panicked. But it was no use. The hole that had been left in Kadija's heart when Ted had beaten her goblin deck on that fateful night in Alberta all those moons ago had festered into a dark and cancerous hatred for anybody who would use an all-blue deck.
"Damn your Prodigal Sorcerer!" She cried, and pulled the trigger.
The blast leveled everything. Nobody survived, even Kadija. The combination of Ewok fur and walrus blubber created a never-before imagined variety of natural napalm with incendiary properties similar to thermite-plasma. The tattered skeleton of the building shuddered and collapsed in on itself, and simmered in still-bubbling pools of molten metal for days to follow.
Newspapers sadly reported the horrific news, and every media outlet immediately commenced with fear mongering about the dangers the public now faced with this new and terrifying spike in Magic the Gathering related violence.
In the distance, a wolf howled.
The End
