Superman

Just thinking out loud here, or whatever the online equivalent of out loud is with the written word, and by written of course I mean typed, and by typed I mean keyboarded or whatever the hell this process is called.

Superman.  He's the perfect specimen of a dude, right?  All chiseled and square-jawed and whatnot.  Here's the thing though:  Thanks to some largely glossed-over scientific reason stemming from being from a different planet and somehow drawing power from our sun, Superman is really strong.  Not like dude-can-pull-a-car-two-city-blocks-just-by-doing-kegels strong, I mean bullets-bounce-off-his-frikkin-eyeballs-and-shit strong.

Bear with me.

Try to imagine a gym where the weights are such that Superman struggles to lift them.

I find it hard to imagine, because I've seen him frost-breath a lake and then casually lift the several-acre sheet of ice and drop it on a burning chemical laboratory before it 'splodes all up in humanity's business and we go all Ark of the Covenant Nazi melty-face.

Several-acre sheets of ice are, presumably, heavy as shit.  Ol' Muscles McSmallville doesn't break a sweat.  That's just one example of many.

Here's my point:  Muscles don't get bigger if you don't challenge them, right?  That's why you gotta lift heavy things in order to build your muscles, or so I've been lead to believe.  You don't see much footage of the little Kent boy taking lessons on fitness and nutrition, much less on how to not wear undies over your tights, and you sure don't see him at the gym juggling 45 lb weights as if they were 35 lb weights and he was a slightly less rugged version of himself.

So how did he get all ripped and studly?  Even those Mr. Incredible train-car workouts would be as easy as playing inter-continental beer-pong with an inexplicably Nigerian version of the incredible Hulk using Kevlar replicas of Lou Ferrignos testicles instead of ping pong balls.

Wouldn't Superman, for lack of a challenging workout-regimen, be all noodley-armed and concave-chested like a parody of an 80's basement-nerd with a handful of 5.5" floppies?  Maybe a super-efficient vegan Superman diet is the explanation for the super-metabolism which makes him naturally Schwarzenegger-in-his-prime-esque without ever tossing back a banana and steroid protein shake or posting Facebook videos of himself doing jazzercise dance-workouts in his living-room in order to inspire his friends.

Admittedly, there's a lot of Superman footage we've never seen, like him butt-clenching a thunder wedgie right out of existence, and then gas-station-burrito-farting a ripe old fissure in his not-so-super tighty whities.  We never see him eyeball-lasering two dozen eggs over-medium from a hundred yards away for his post-workout snack, or haggling with Ace Hardware employees over the price of their industrial-strength vice-grips so he can tweeze his super-unibrow.  Nobody mentions the time he popped a zit and dented a cast iron tea kettle in a revolutionary war museum three blocks away.

Maybe it's best that we don't think about these things.

Maybe it's best not to consider that baby Clark's super-tinkles could shred an up-armored Humvee through seven layers of Martha Kent's eco-friendly washable cloth diapers, and that his teenage wet-dreams spawned a flurry of otherwise-unexplained immaculate conceptions in Eastern Sri-Lanka and the surrounding area.

Maybe.

The "Truth" about HAARP and Human Involvement in Cloud Formation

Herein I address two questions about meteorological phenomena, which are:  "How do you explain these clouds?" and "Is this weather due to HAARP?"  I offer four possible answers to the former, and one somewhat longer (and equally possible) answer to the latter.  

How do you explain these clouds?

1:  The clouds are being made in an attempt to curb the (reasonably well-documented) dwindling population of Italian honey bees.  Scientific studies show that the bees are most comfortable when not exposed to direct sunlight, so the clouds are made so as to provide them shade.  As an added bonus (and this was discovered after the fact), the honey produced by shaded vs exposed bees is stronger in its capability to curb the onset of seasonal allergies in children 11 and under.  An absence of the shade-clouds is usually the result of successful corporate lobbying by one of two major pharmaceutical companies whose financial stability is threatened by the idea of an allergy-free population. 

2:  Due to the fact that its axial rotation is prone to a slight wobble, the fluid resistance of the earth’s liquid iron core affects subtle changes in the orientation of the lines of magnetic flux between the North and South poles.  This phenomenon induces variations in Earth’s Coriolis force, which translates into uniquely striated areas of atmospheric pressure over a long enough timeline.  Consequently,  it results in some interesting cloud formations. 

3:  It is well known that the tides are the result of lunar gravitational influence.  Less widely understood is the moon’s effect on moisture particles in the atmosphere.  It was, until recently, difficult to observe gravitational effects on gaseous substances at great distances.  Now, thanks to tremendous advances in sensing equipment and rigorous adherence to the scientific method, lunar influence can now be factored into what was previously a terrestrial, and consequently somewhat limited, meteorological mindset.  The moon has been shown to cause gravitational acceleration on atmospheric molecules.  The clouds visible today are the direct result of that influence. 

4:  These clouds the result of long-term unintentional human interference, namely pet owners.  One of the key ingredients in pet shampoo is anti-fungal chlorhexidine.  This chemical, when applied in dense enough population samples, is injected into the air-stream attached to dander.  Once it mixes with the chlorofluorocarbons left over from over-use of Aqua Net in the 80s (which still continue to wreak havoc on the Antarctic ozone, causing an up-spike in cases of penguin sunburn and spurring the birth of the penguin-specific sunblock industry), it bonds into a new substance called chloroflourochlorhexcarbonidine, which acts as a condensing agent and prevents natural dissipation of water vapor.

Is this weather due to HAARP?

     Yes, although the effect is indirect and unintentional despite some of the more popular conspiratorial accusations made by a legion of what amounts to the armchair quarterbacks of meteorological science, whose basic internet savvy is, in a word, questionable.  What is actually happening is that the influence of HAARP-induced changes in the ionosphere are periodically mistaken for intercontinental ballistic missile launch signatures by long range missile defense radar systems in eastern Yakutsk. 

     Somewhat problematically, these false alarms trigger automatic responses of world-ending nuclear violence in the form of retaliatory ICBM launches.  These of course must be intercepted, and the most effective method in use to-date is the deployment of high powered lasers fired from geosynchronous satellites put in place during the second red scare in the 1950s.  The lasers burn the particles in the upper atmosphere over great distances, creating long pockets of high temperature air.  Depending on the wind speed and direction, these thermal disturbances can either dissipate or converge, trapping moisture and creating unnatural-looking clouds and nonseasonal weather. 

     Interestingly, the acronym “HAARP” (High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program) was constructed so that it would be reminiscent of the music of the angels which, as the gaze of scientific advancement turned heavenward, was deemed apropos.  It was a marked improvement over the name originally posited by the scientific community, which was Solar-Oriented Unilateral Perspective on Continental Auroral Nuances, or “SOUPCAN”. 

Know this:  No research whatsoever backs up any of my claims.