Superman

Just thinking out loud here, or whatever the online equivalent of out loud is with the written word, and by written of course I mean typed, and by typed I mean keyboarded or whatever the hell this process is called.

Superman.  He's the perfect specimen of a dude, right?  All chiseled and square-jawed and whatnot.  Here's the thing though:  Thanks to some largely glossed-over scientific reason stemming from being from a different planet and somehow drawing power from our sun, Superman is really strong.  Not like dude-can-pull-a-car-two-city-blocks-just-by-doing-kegels strong, I mean bullets-bounce-off-his-frikkin-eyeballs-and-shit strong.

Bear with me.

Try to imagine a gym where the weights are such that Superman struggles to lift them.

I find it hard to imagine, because I've seen him frost-breath a lake and then casually lift the several-acre sheet of ice and drop it on a burning chemical laboratory before it 'splodes all up in humanity's business and we go all Ark of the Covenant Nazi melty-face.

Several-acre sheets of ice are, presumably, heavy as shit.  Ol' Muscles McSmallville doesn't break a sweat.  That's just one example of many.

Here's my point:  Muscles don't get bigger if you don't challenge them, right?  That's why you gotta lift heavy things in order to build your muscles, or so I've been lead to believe.  You don't see much footage of the little Kent boy taking lessons on fitness and nutrition, much less on how to not wear undies over your tights, and you sure don't see him at the gym juggling 45 lb weights as if they were 35 lb weights and he was a slightly less rugged version of himself.

So how did he get all ripped and studly?  Even those Mr. Incredible train-car workouts would be as easy as playing inter-continental beer-pong with an inexplicably Nigerian version of the incredible Hulk using Kevlar replicas of Lou Ferrignos testicles instead of ping pong balls.

Wouldn't Superman, for lack of a challenging workout-regimen, be all noodley-armed and concave-chested like a parody of an 80's basement-nerd with a handful of 5.5" floppies?  Maybe a super-efficient vegan Superman diet is the explanation for the super-metabolism which makes him naturally Schwarzenegger-in-his-prime-esque without ever tossing back a banana and steroid protein shake or posting Facebook videos of himself doing jazzercise dance-workouts in his living-room in order to inspire his friends.

Admittedly, there's a lot of Superman footage we've never seen, like him butt-clenching a thunder wedgie right out of existence, and then gas-station-burrito-farting a ripe old fissure in his not-so-super tighty whities.  We never see him eyeball-lasering two dozen eggs over-medium from a hundred yards away for his post-workout snack, or haggling with Ace Hardware employees over the price of their industrial-strength vice-grips so he can tweeze his super-unibrow.  Nobody mentions the time he popped a zit and dented a cast iron tea kettle in a revolutionary war museum three blocks away.

Maybe it's best that we don't think about these things.

Maybe it's best not to consider that baby Clark's super-tinkles could shred an up-armored Humvee through seven layers of Martha Kent's eco-friendly washable cloth diapers, and that his teenage wet-dreams spawned a flurry of otherwise-unexplained immaculate conceptions in Eastern Sri-Lanka and the surrounding area.

Maybe.

The "Truth" about HAARP and Human Involvement in Cloud Formation

Herein I address two questions about meteorological phenomena, which are:  "How do you explain these clouds?" and "Is this weather due to HAARP?"  I offer four possible answers to the former, and one somewhat longer (and equally possible) answer to the latter.  

How do you explain these clouds?

1:  The clouds are being made in an attempt to curb the (reasonably well-documented) dwindling population of Italian honey bees.  Scientific studies show that the bees are most comfortable when not exposed to direct sunlight, so the clouds are made so as to provide them shade.  As an added bonus (and this was discovered after the fact), the honey produced by shaded vs exposed bees is stronger in its capability to curb the onset of seasonal allergies in children 11 and under.  An absence of the shade-clouds is usually the result of successful corporate lobbying by one of two major pharmaceutical companies whose financial stability is threatened by the idea of an allergy-free population. 

2:  Due to the fact that its axial rotation is prone to a slight wobble, the fluid resistance of the earth’s liquid iron core affects subtle changes in the orientation of the lines of magnetic flux between the North and South poles.  This phenomenon induces variations in Earth’s Coriolis force, which translates into uniquely striated areas of atmospheric pressure over a long enough timeline.  Consequently,  it results in some interesting cloud formations. 

3:  It is well known that the tides are the result of lunar gravitational influence.  Less widely understood is the moon’s effect on moisture particles in the atmosphere.  It was, until recently, difficult to observe gravitational effects on gaseous substances at great distances.  Now, thanks to tremendous advances in sensing equipment and rigorous adherence to the scientific method, lunar influence can now be factored into what was previously a terrestrial, and consequently somewhat limited, meteorological mindset.  The moon has been shown to cause gravitational acceleration on atmospheric molecules.  The clouds visible today are the direct result of that influence. 

4:  These clouds the result of long-term unintentional human interference, namely pet owners.  One of the key ingredients in pet shampoo is anti-fungal chlorhexidine.  This chemical, when applied in dense enough population samples, is injected into the air-stream attached to dander.  Once it mixes with the chlorofluorocarbons left over from over-use of Aqua Net in the 80s (which still continue to wreak havoc on the Antarctic ozone, causing an up-spike in cases of penguin sunburn and spurring the birth of the penguin-specific sunblock industry), it bonds into a new substance called chloroflourochlorhexcarbonidine, which acts as a condensing agent and prevents natural dissipation of water vapor.

Is this weather due to HAARP?

     Yes, although the effect is indirect and unintentional despite some of the more popular conspiratorial accusations made by a legion of what amounts to the armchair quarterbacks of meteorological science, whose basic internet savvy is, in a word, questionable.  What is actually happening is that the influence of HAARP-induced changes in the ionosphere are periodically mistaken for intercontinental ballistic missile launch signatures by long range missile defense radar systems in eastern Yakutsk. 

     Somewhat problematically, these false alarms trigger automatic responses of world-ending nuclear violence in the form of retaliatory ICBM launches.  These of course must be intercepted, and the most effective method in use to-date is the deployment of high powered lasers fired from geosynchronous satellites put in place during the second red scare in the 1950s.  The lasers burn the particles in the upper atmosphere over great distances, creating long pockets of high temperature air.  Depending on the wind speed and direction, these thermal disturbances can either dissipate or converge, trapping moisture and creating unnatural-looking clouds and nonseasonal weather. 

     Interestingly, the acronym “HAARP” (High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program) was constructed so that it would be reminiscent of the music of the angels which, as the gaze of scientific advancement turned heavenward, was deemed apropos.  It was a marked improvement over the name originally posited by the scientific community, which was Solar-Oriented Unilateral Perspective on Continental Auroral Nuances, or “SOUPCAN”. 

Know this:  No research whatsoever backs up any of my claims.

New Collaborative Story

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, werewolves and yeti-spawn!  I am pleased to present the latest in literary shenanigans:  

Collaborative Short Story #3

Brought to you in part (this part) by me, and in another part by my good friend Laura, and then another part by me, and then one by Laura, and so on and so on ad infinitum or until we get sick of it! 

It begins with part one, because that's a good place to start.  Without further ado:   

Part 1

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she thought about work.  It started out as a normal day and then got better for the promotion, which came with a large increase in pay.  Now that the onions for supper were peeled and chopped her tears stopped.  She put the onions in the stew pot to cook along with the pot roast and garlic, a nice slow cook to make the meat tender and delicious. 

She took an early shower to relieve the stress of the day for even good things come with their own brand of stress.  She lingered enjoying the hot water pouring down the length of her body and then finally toweled off, putting on her pajamas; a tee-shirt and flannel bottoms.  She wandered about the apartment a bit restless; like there was something she had forgotten to do.  

Miss Stars, the reining cat of her humble abode rubbed against her legs and twined about her ankles.  She picked up Miss Stars and went into the kitchen to fill a bowl up with kibble for the regal white cat.  Sometimes Alexandria thought for sure she could hear her cat talk in whispers but it just had to be her imagination or was it?

Miss Stars wanted a bit of milk on the side of her kibble so Alex put down a saucer of milk for her and put the jug back in the refrigerator.  Her stew was still cooking and it began to smell heavenly.  “I am an omnivore much like you Stars” she said to the cat.  Stars whispered agreement and then meowed to cover it up. Alex didn’t pay much attention she was captivated by the lovely aroma of her dinner cooking.

Stars was hoping that Alex would share some of that supper with her, after all she was a good cat and purred when she was supposed to.  Especially when she was rubbed behind the left ear, that was her favorite spot.  Alex always extended an invitation for Stars to eat at the table and like a little person she had her own plate and she would stand on her hind legs, front paws on the table and eat off her own plate.  Good cat.

This time was no different the pot roast stew with potatoes and carrots was offered up to Stars.  She dug right in and woofed it down in no time, expecting there to be more offered. There was.  Stars was spoiled one could say.  Alex didn’t have a boyfriend and had no family of her own in fact, they died in a car accident and she was the soul survivor.

Alex looked forward to bed and sleep as she started her new position tomorrow.

Part 2

Sleep would not come, and Alex was beginning to hate the ceiling fan.  It just kept going but it never got anywhere, and some engineer had alternated the blades so that one blade pushed the air down while the next pulled it back up.  It didn't cool the room so much as vibrate violently and piss off the young couple who lived upstairs.  She didn't worry too much about them bothering her about it though since the husband always awkwardly tried to flirt with her in the laundry room and the wife was terrified of doorbells.  

Alex had also, as an extra measure of security, placed a sign on the only door to her apartment that read "Please Use Other Door".  It worked splendidly in keeping away unwanted solicitors.  The pizza guy had a little trouble with it as well the first time she ordered out.  Also the fourth, fifth, and eleventh times.  

The pizza guy smoked a good bit of weed.  

By eleven thirty, the specter of sleep had eluded the clutching fingers of her consciousness long enough and at last she closed in for an illegal face-mask-tackle of that shadowy bastard.  Just as she and sleep began tumbling down the tie-dyed rabbit hole of her dreams, Stars decided it would be an excellent time to jump up on to her chest and ever so gently orient her butt-hole about a quarter of an inch from Alex's lips.  She snapped once again into wakefulness, groaned audibly, and shuffled Stars into the blankets on the other side of the bed.  Stars was understandably indignant, and left the room in a huff.  

Morning came, and Alex woke up having never really realized that she'd fallen asleep.  It was kind of a shitty feeling, but it was trumped by her excitement and she bustled through the rooms thoroughly over-preparing for her day.  She checked and rechecked every aspect of herself and her multitude of cleverly matched accent-wear and other accoutrements.  

The woman who looked back at her from the full length hallway mirror was the perfect picture of business professionalism.  Her lines were straight where they needed to be straight, and curved where they needed to be curved.  Colors matched and/or properly accented one another exactly right, right down to her sensible undies and bedazzled periwinkle butt-plug.  

She calmed her nerves with a deep relaxing breath and walked out the door.  Game time.  

Part 3

She looked all shiny and new in her outfit and was ready to tackle the world. She picked up her keys for her Prius and stepped outside to a down pour her hair frizzed instantly and came loose from her pony tail.

A nice start to the day, she thought. 

Off she went, dodging pot holes and splashing people on the sidewalk.  She arrived at work on time and was able to run to restroom to fix her hair. Her boss smiled broadly and waddled over to her desk being a very portly gentleman.

"So how are you for the first day on your new job?" he asked.

“I think I am ready though I have never done a psychic hot line before.” 

“You will do fine you passed the test with flying colors.  You have the gift"

She smiled then adjusted her skirt beneath her behind on the chair and went straight away to the phone as it was ringing already…

Her boss waddled off to some other cubicle.

Her first caller wanted to know when she would find true love.

Part 4

The voice on the other end of the line sounded thin and reedy.  The sort of voice you might expect from a a small, frail-looking woman who tries to hide behind her own shoulders during what would otherwise be a normal conversation.  Her name was Mariah.  

"I just want to find someone who will really love me" she said.  "When will that happen?"

"Please give me a moment to concentrate" 
"Okay.  Sorry."  
"No reason to apologize."
"Right, sorry." 

Alex closed her eyes and poked inwardly at her mind.  She soon located her inter-planar avatar, U'dae, and imagined poking him with a stick.  U'dae's familiar grumblings at being disturbed resonated and gently vibrated her aura.  It was nice and she rather enjoyed it, sort of like leaning crotch-first against the washing machine during the spin-cycle, except that it involved less getting thrown out of a Home Depot and more clarity of consciousness.    

She centered her focus onto the connection between herself and Mariah.  The gap between her lips and the mouthpiece of her headset.  The miles of copper wire, the analog to digital and digital to analog conversion circuits, the open air between cell tower repeaters and between the final repeater and the antenna inside Mariah's smart-phone.  The small jump between phone-speaker and Mariah's ear, and the final passage through Mariah's ear canal and into her brain.  

Alex exhaled, and her breath carried U'dae onto the conduit that she had created.  In less than a second the view provided by U'dae formed in her mind's eye.  

Mariah's mindscape was littered with the usual detritus of a day-in, day-out sort of existence.  Her priorities floated in the foreground and obstructed most of the view until U'dae sifted them to one side and let her peer past.  Feed the cat.  Water the window boxes.  Empty the dishwasher.  Finish reading Watership Down, and then blog about it.  

There were many, but there was nothing that jumped out at Alex in terms of being particularly useful or interesting.  Behind them towered Mariah's wall of self-consciousness, currently teeming with Rorschach test blotches materializing momentarily into images of little meaning to Alex, but somehow reminiscent of shame and loathing.  She reassured Mariah.

"I'm still here, I'm establishing a connection."
"Okay..." 
"Try to think about something that relaxes you"

Alex watched the swirling pattern of insecurities slow for a moment as Mariah shifted her focus.  Alex couldn't tell what she was focusing on, but it didn't last long and the shapes soon continued their chaotic dance.  

It was nothing unusual, and Alex pushed past it into a tranquil meadow of sensory stimulation as it was registered and categorized in real time.  This place was calm and as smooth as glass.  Peering down through it Alex could make out the schools of memories that intertwined and wove into each other in their slow and endless waltz.  The edge where Alex stood was, as experience had shown her, populated primarily by memories of recent experiences.  Here she caught glimpses of what Mariah's brain had bothered to store in the past several hours.  

She knew that if she ventured further out, the memories would stack more and more deeply.  At the deepest point would lurk those memories which rarely, if ever, made it to the surface.  Coaxing them up was never easy, and she hoped not to have to do it.  She preferred very much to stay in the typically less-intense regions of recent experiences, of mild relevance and a non-urgent nature.  The smell of the inside of a restaurant, the zit in the middle of the forehead of the guy at an adjacent gas-station-pump, or the quiet clamoring of short-term coffee shop line conversation tidbits doomed to ooze slowly away from the short term memory and evaporate into nothingness.    

Part 5

On that precipice between the short term memory and long term through the eyes of U'dae Alex began to see a miasma of all of Mariah's past. She was a fine girl with little if any self-esteem. Not to any fault of her parents as much as it was the fault of her own doing, listening to Downward Spiral Rock most of her tween and teen years. Finding this out Alex was able to help Mariah with the assistance of U'dae to change her past and allow her the real possibility of some self-worth and go out into the world of reality and not only find the right man but grab him and marry him before you could say congratulations. 

It was a difficult task but not impossible and though Mariah felt exhausted and nauseous after the session she said "Thank you, I know what I need to do". So she went out dressed to the nines and went to the barista at her local coffee shop and asked him out. He naturally said yes as he was a bit on the submissive side but they had a wonderful time at the Ice-Capades and had good coffee afterwards. One thing led to another as the old story goes and he asked her to marry him especially since she made great coffee. 

That was Alex's first client and she was a repeat customer since. Alex became the most requested reader at the company and her boss was wondering how it was that Alex, just coming off the street, could become so popular in such short order. He thought about asking her out for drinks as he had a crush on her as well as curiosity but thought better of it with today's' environment of sexual harassment.  Though he would never admit to himself Alex would have declined because she didn't date people who resembled fat toads. Perhaps that made her shallow but there you have it she was looking for some chemistry in a relationship along with all the good stuff like being best friends and life long partners.